Haruhi and the Six Dwarves
by stove fairy
Summary: Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Ouran, there lived a Princess named Haruhi. Her stepmother forced her into the Dark Forest where she met the host club: a group consisted of six gorgeous dwarves who had willingly let her into their family.
1. Chapter 1: Where is the third music room

**Chapter 1: Where is the third music room?**

They say that every fanfic has a section where the author or the authoress tells the readers that he or she has no connections with the original producers what-so-ever. So having said that, let us now start with the developing of a strange and pointless disclaimer of this kuso piece of crap that was somehow acted out by Natsu herself along with everybody's favorite red-headed twins.

--

_The authoress randomly crawled out from under a string of black curtains in a Sadako-like manner and spoke randomly to a near by camera lens while waving like a maniac. "Konnichiwa, minna! This is Natsu's very first fanfiction in 5 years, so she hopes that it will suit your taste."_

_A boy with flaming red hair stepped out from behind the authoress and stood at her left side, looking at her unbelievably, "Whoa! Five years?! Are you serious?!...So—..." the boy stopped in mid-sentence just as another boy, who was obviously the twin of the first one, stood at the right side of the authoress, poking her head with a finger since she is shorter than him by an amazingly huge amount, "...How old does that make you, Natsu?"_

_The authoress hopped back, blushing furiously, "Eh? W-why'd you want to know?! Eh?! Eh?!...Ha-haven't you guys heard of the saying, 'A lady—..."_

_Just then, the twins forcefully broke her train of thoughts by chorusing the exact same sentence while leaning toward her at the exact same time, "Remember Natsu, you're **not** a lady, so don't use the whole 'A lady never tells her age' thing on us!"_

_The authoress stood there in shock just for the hell of it then finally recovered from her speechless mode after who knows how long, "...Oh, just shut up and do the disclaimer you idiots!" said she._

_"What a boring lad..." the red-heads again, said in unison as they tried hard to hold back their chicken-like laughter when the authoress yelled out something about not being a "lad" but a "lady" (Yes I am a lady. All those who are denying this fact can go slip on a banana peel and land in a puddle of poop! Bleh!) and all while waving her arms up and down as if she were a mad cow._

_"Okay okay, stop it with the idiotic acts already," commented the older one of the two clones. "Natsu does not own Ouran High School Host Club or any of the characters within it. All she's responsible for is the twisted story itself and nothing else."_

_As always, the younger twin finished the rest of his brother's sentence, "So if you don't like the story, please sue her for our sake."_

_"Very good." the authoress was finally satisfied and nodded approvingly. But just as she was about to turn around and crawl back under the black curtains, something hit her tiny brain, and she realized what Kaoru has just said, "...Say what?!"_

_"Hope you enjoy the story." The two little devils chorused smoothly once more along with their famous (Or would it be infamous?) identical Cheshire cat grin. They **are** the Hitachiin twins after all, what else would you have expected from them?_

_(Special thanks to CLAMP, the creator group of Card Captor Sakura, for the verbal contract of the Key of the Seal; I hope they won't mind me alternating parts of it in the story...)_

--

It is a pleasant and lovely afternoon on the campus of the Ouran Private Academy. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and best of all, the authoress isn't included in the story for this whole entire chapter; meaning that she wouldn't be ruining it as bad as she wants to. Or would she?...So anyways, our twisted version of the famous fairytale – Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, of course, takes place in everybody's favorite room, the third music room.

However, if you wish to read on, you must first start with finding your way **to** the third music room itself. And since I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic, am nice enough to torture the hell out of you all, I shall give you the instructions as to how to make it to your designated area without a single scratch on your beautiful skin.

First of all, you'd have to run around the campus with a total of exactly three hundred and fifty seven laps, just so you'd get used to the grand hallways of this rich people school.

Secondly, go to a commoner's supermarket and buy a steak that is as wide as a hippo that is trying to lose weight but ends up gaining more; a certain commoner who has just entered the school has been feeding this kind of commoner steaks to the werewolves guarding the school ever since her first day, thus making the werewolves always hungry for the juiciness of the meat.

Third step, feed the steak to the werewolves while hearing a random 'ding!' sound, notifying you that you have just passed the first level of the challenge.

Once you have entered the school from the main entrance, ignore the misplaced forest in the middle of the lobby; if you think that you could get out of there in less than a week then you are most definitely wrong.

Turn to your right and take 8375630293 steps, then turn to your left and hop forward in a bunny-like way 2098374659 times while counting all 39875632 hidden weapons that some random maniac authoress has inserted into the school ground some time earlier. Afterwards, get into the restroom for a quick three minute pee break (Or whatever else you'd like to do in there which is most likely none of my business.) and continue with your journey. Moving on once you have left the restroom with another 28937474023 steps, you will then enter the dark magic club room with approximately 47489302984 scars all over your petite body, while you think to yourself, _'Oh that damn authoress! And to believe in her promises of helping me get to the host club room without a single scratch!'_

After that bit of mumble jumble, you can then take the broken ladder that hangs beside a sexy looking picture of a blonde; one that has huge squiggly letters spelling out 'Watashi no Oniichama' doodled across the bottom part with purple crayons, to get to the second floor. Remember to pick some Dark Mushrooms as souvenirs while you are climbing the ladder and trying to balance yourself. Don't ask why, just do it, because you shall soon find out the reason to it all.

You will see a stream of river as you finally come to the top of the broken ladder that has about 938478291 wooden sticks for you to place your feet on. To cross the river, you must learn how to float in the air with the help of the Dark Mushrooms that you have just picked (See? They **do** come in handy. Remember to give Nekozawa-senpai a thank-you-call afterwards, by the way. Just in case he plants a curse on you 'accidentally'.), so place them in the centre of your palm, and chant the following line, "O Key of the Dark Mushrooms. There is one who wishes for a contract with thee. A (boy/girl), named (Insert name here.) O Key, grant (him/her) power! Release!" With that, the Dark Mushrooms will start inflating and thus carry you across the river.

When you have finally gotten across as instructed, you will find yourself all of a sudden wearing a pink fluffy dress in which only a certain girl who goes by the name Ichigo Momomiya from a certain show called Tokyo Mew Mew would wear. Then you can do either of the following: one, squeal in delight, if you were a pure-shojo manga fan. Or two, scream in pain, if you were someone as tomboyish as the certain-commoner-who-feeds-werewolves that has been mentioned from before. It doesn't matter what you have done in order to show your love/hate for pink fluffy dresses, you will still (somehow) end up standing in front of a huge sign with the picture of the three-year-old Elysia Hughes, whose Father works as a lieutenant colonel of the Investigations Division from another of the Bones Studio project – FullMetal Alchemist. (No advertisements intended here.)

Beside the adorable picture of Elysia, there is a red button with a piece of paper that says 'Press me' attached to it. Of course, you'd have to push the button. Five seconds later, you will realize that nothing has yet happened. You push once more, but nothing has...Oh what the heck! The brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress doesn't know what's going to happen anymore! So ahem, anyways, seeing as I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic, am able to realize that you people are all thinking, _'Oh my God when on Earth are we going to start reading something that actually has relations with the title, Haruhi and the Six Dwarves?!' _I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress, shall let you off easy and give you the instructions in taking the shortcut to get to the third music room

First, float back across the river using the Dark Mushrooms and follow the path where you have gotten to the second floor in the first place; climb down the ladder that has 938478291 wooden sticks, take 28937474023 steps to get back to the restroom and rest for another short while (And remember to release the liquid in your bladder even if you were too lazy to unless you want to wet your pants when you start dodging the hidden weapons that are coming up. Take your pick.) to regain energy. Count and dodge all 39875632 hidden weapons while cursing the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress who may now seem not so brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding to you. Hop forward in a bunny-like way 2098374659 times and this time, turn to the right instead of the left, or you'd be leading yourself to the newspaper club room, then finally, take 8375630293 more steps, and you are now standing in the lobby once again.

Okay? Okay. Try not to get lost from this point on, because we're now getting into the hard part.

Take the swirly stairs that you always see during the Ouran High School Host Club theme song — _Sakura Kiss_, of which Mori and Honey always happen to appear on with Hunny bouncing off the walls like a drugged bunny, and get to the second floor. Ask any random girl who looks like an onna-otaku as to where in Ouran the third music room is, and chances are, they'll know exactly where they're leading you. And voila! You made it there alive!

Eh? Don't look at me with those eyes, you know you don't want to kill me because being the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic, I, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress, actually came up with this idea of making your trip to your destination an ever eventful one. Now feel grateful and chorus "All hail Natsu!" in unison. Alright, let us now open the grand doors of the third music room.

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Author's Note  
With that, we have at last reached the stage of the authoress's extremely pointless kuso fanfic.  
The central idea of the fanfic shall be reached in the next chapter, with the authoress herself trying to please (Or would it be force?) the host club members to join in on her drama production of the Ouran High School Host Club version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  
I know, my dears, this is not the most humourous and grammatically correct fanfic you have ever read, but that shall do for today, seeing as I'm getting tired sitting in front of the computer trying to squeeze lame ideas out of myself. So please go and submit me a review as to what you'd like to see in the play of Haruhi and the Six Dwarves for the time being.  
Laters.


	2. Chapter 2: Hosts, meet the authoress

**Chapter 2: Hosts, meet the authoress**

_The authoress climbed out of bed with her messed up short hair sticking out from all directions and muttered angrily to herself, "Ugh...I just can't seem to get enough sleep nowadays, but having Haruhi do the disclaimer is still necessary all the same. Oh what a drag..."_

_Although the audience could not see the connections between not getting enough sleep and making Haruhi do the disclaimer, they still had to cope with what they have just read because it was the command of the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress._

_The brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress rubbed her eyes while nodding unenthusiastically toward the certain-commoner-who-feeds-werewolves (If you don't get this then you have not read the first chapter carefully.), saying, "So, Haruhi, whenever you're ready."_

_Silence._

_"Um...Haruhi?"_

_"Ah? Oh, right!" the petite brunette snapped back to reality from her daydreaming mode about her long deceased Mother, and flashed one of the famous 'Haruhi-kun's deadly charming smiles' toward the camera lens, resulting in our drugged bunny host to glomp her, rubbing his face against her right cheek whilst squealing in a female first grader's voice, "Haru-chan­ kawaii!" with sparks of pink cuddly flowers all around his huge head._

_The certain-commoner-who-feeds-werewolves then turned toward the auditorium that came from who knows where and looked at the bunch of onna-otaku that were drooling over her and her utterly cute companion, stating, "Natsu-kun, although I have no idea who or what that is but seeing as my debt would be reduced by half I must say this following line, does not own Ouran High School Host—...Ugh?!..." to the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress's dismay, the commoner-who-feeds-werewolves all of a sudden procrastinated and stopped dead in mid-sentence._

_Although she was extremely sleepy, it was a good thing that the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress did not take her time looking up, so she got the once in a life time chance to observe how the fangirl species would all hop out of their seats together to capture their prey as the prey itself shrieked in horror..._

_And with that, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress shall leave you all to picture the vanishing of the one and only Haruhi species that was left on Earth, while she herself slowly crawls back to her ever loving bed, grumbling, "Geez, she could have at least finish the disclaimer before she died! Oh just wait till I get my hands on her remains..."_

--

As what anybody who has watched the Ouran High School Host Club series would expect to see from the opening of the third music room, the roses of course, were displayed to be blooming as freshly as they could, whilst the hail of flower petals would attack anyone who opens the doors that have just been pushed open by the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress in the last chapter. The hosts were, as always, doing their best to entertain their customers (With the mysterious disappearance of their natural-type of which nobody seemed to have noticed for some unrealistically odd reason that even the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress doesn't know...), while the fangirls were giggling in delight and fainting altogether over the acts of their precious hosts. In other words, it was just one of those ordinary days. But really, who would have thought that as seemingly innocent (?) as this day may look, this was also the day where the host club members shall meet their worst enemy – Natsu, the brilliantly gorgeous plus kind-hearted plus understanding authoress of this fanfic.

Oh, just think of all the fun they're going to have together in the future chapters.

"Irasshaimase!" the six gorgeous-looking boys from all corners of the room chorused as Natsu entered, wearing the boy's uniform that she purchased with her life-time saving seeing as how she has always preferred pants over skirts.

_'Thank God I've gotten to the right place; for a second there I thought I was going to get lost by following my own instructions..'_ the authoress twitched, making a mental note down that if she ever gives out wrong instructions next time, she'd be sure to make herself unconscious first so her brain wouldn't be reading the bunch of crap that she's telling her readers.

_'Now, what should I do to gain their agreement...?'_

Just as Natsu was looking around observing the room, a heavy grumble rushed impatiently toward her.

"Not another **man**!" one of the two twin-hosts with orange locks was now staring at the new 'customer' and complained out loud whilst Natsu herself tried her best to brush the terribly sweet rose petals off of her expensive outfit.

"It's like meeting Haruhi all over again..." muttered the mirror reflection of the first one, "Why **do** we get so many male customers nowadays I wonder?"

With the question that was let out by the second one, the first one took it as a cue of starting out on one of their acts again, so he grabbed ahold of the hands of his identical twin and looked at him straight in the eye. Ignoring the boarder frame of the scene that was made up of dreamy roses and romantic love bubbles, Hikaru started seducing his reflection with his ever so magnetic voice, "Because they're all trying to steal Kaoru away from me, that's why! But don't you worry, Kaoru, as I will do **anything** to protect you. **Anything**..."

"Oh Hikaru..."

"Kaoru..."

"Ano..." Natsu bemusedly watched while sweat dropping over the fake Hitachiinest act played in front of her and let out a hasty gasp as the customers of the twins all squealed in delight, squirming their bodies in an amazingly flexible way.

The 'boy' gawked at the crowd of girls and covered her ears, pondering hard over how anybody could ever get so fangirly over two identical boys playing the dominant-submissive game (Which is also known as the 'seme-uke gemu' in Natsuish.).

_'Amateurs...If they want to play the game for real, they would need a seme that was, at the very least, **taller** and more **well-built** than the uke; not a pair of identical twins!'_ thought the 'boy' as she disgustedly dodged the truck load of red and pink hearts that were now starting to float toward her own face and had broken her train of thought.

Just then, the tall blonde boy with the strange King-like behaviour decided to act out the role of a rescuer.

He confidentially twirled and swirled as he danced toward the new customer in such a manner that made him look as if his legs were a pair of bad quality chopsticks. He then held out a flourish red rose from nowhere and stuffed it under Natsu's nose, "My, what an adorable lost kitten we have here! And we **are** getting more males than ever these days, aren't we? Maybe I should start hiring hostesses?..."

Natsu wrinkled her nose a bit and looked at the princely figure from top to toe with glimpses that were clearly saying 'what-the-hell-are-you-babbling-about'.

"Although I don't usually host male students of this school," the Host King continued ever so smoothly, "but seeing as how you are our second male customer of the year, I shall be all yours for today. And when I say all yours, I **mean** all...yours..." then, as how he always manages to do it, our favorite blonde backed the 'boy' up by running a perfectly curved finger underneath the chin of his poor victim.

All the girls within the room leaned closer toward the pair in the centre and blushed, picturing all the possible ways of how Natsu would react; swooning over the charm of the Host King perhaps? Of course, some of them were quite afraid to admit to the idea that their prince might just so happens to be gay.

"Ya know, mister..." Natsu, who by now was getting very annoyed with this flirtation (You try getting your nose stuffed with a bunch of disgustingly-sweet-smelling flower petals!), raised an eyebrow and pushed the blonde away, struggling to get back onto her feet, "Sure you're just saying this to me because it's your job as the Host King. But to tell you the truth, you really don't look half as charming as you think you do...Oh, and **I don't want you**, so forget it. That's not what I'm here for." a bolt of lightning struck at the background as Tamaki's eyes went blank. "Now if you don't mind, baka, please get off of me."

All the sparks and roses that were around the blue-eyed blonde fell onto the floor as he arrived in his corner of gloom within 0.00000000000001 second to draw circles on the floor while stacking one rock on top of another.

The corner of Natsus lips twitched insanely as she stared at the faraway Host King, who was now starting to grow mushrooms (Oh, we're going to have such a wonderful harvest of mushrooms this year!), with the dot-eyed look that the Ouran High School Host Club characters are famous for.

"No wonder Tono got rejected," smirked Hikaru, peering over his shoulder, "no guy would ever want get flirted by another guy and to be called an 'adorable lost kitten' now would they?...Well, unless they were homosexuals of course."

"But Hikaru...Are we...not part of the 'homosexual' group...?" the other ginger-colour-haired boy frowned in a feminine way and tilted his head.

The elder twin glanced at his reflection, who was now staring at his own feet with embarrassment. _'He does look rather cute like this.'_ thought the older one of the Hitachiins. So with that idea in mind, Hikaru decided that he would give their customers a bonus of the day.

The older one of the twins proficiently lifted his brother's chin up and pulled his waist closer to his own, breathing into the face that looked so much like his, "Whatever has made you think that, Kaoru?"

"Oh Hikaru, please don't," Karou looked sideways with those beautifully made golden globs of his, which were now glistening with unshed tears. Blushing harder than ever, he breathed out the words with fake difficulty in which only the audience could tell, "Not...in front of all these people at least...Please...Hikaru...Try to hold your urge till we get home..?"

Of course, the girls, even the ones that did not designate the twins, started letting out their squeals and giggles for the nth time that day, much to Natsu's horror as she almost fell over and twitch on the floor.

They sounded as if they were banshees; banshees that could somehow manage to faint right on the spot and fall each other's arms that is. This is not an exaggeration.

Really, try picturing this: A bunch of squishy worm-like creatures with, ironically, faces of beautiful maidens that are gushing ever so loudly into the poor ears of those who are not able to handle noises very well. And the fact that they were sighing over every single movement of a pair of clones was just unbelievably ridiculous.

...What was it that they always called the twins' acts?

Ah yes, 'the beautiful forbidden brotherly love'. Feh! Beautiful my aaaaa—...achoo. Oh how the authoress loathed the allergy that the roses in this room were giving her...

So anyways, after hearing the dreamy sighs of the beauties, Natsu decided that she had had enough nonsense to last her a life time and that whatever reason she was here for in the first place did not even seem important now; what was really important was to figure out a way for her to escape this place with both of her eardrums working.

--

Author's Note  
Okay, I know, I lied about having the main storyline laid out in this chapter, and I know that this chapter is rather short and even more pointless/badly written than the one before. I promise that the next chapter's going to be longer though, but nevertheless it's going to continue on with the rambling of my first meeting with the cast. (After all, they **are** the stars of the play and stars are hard to please. Such delightful young people, aren't they?) Oh the pain of talking to rich bastards...  
By the way! I hope that none of them seem too out of character! Although, I know, you don't get to see many of them in this chapter..Again, I'm sorry, okay?  
I currently have Haruhi down as Snow White. The hosts are all dwarves (They're a different kind of dwarves, mind you; beautiful and elegant. Although things **could** change drastically. I meant the dwarves part, not their refinement no.). Bereznoff is the Neko Mirror on the Wall, and our forever lovable Rengé is responsible for the narration although she has so far been kept away from this fanfic and you people are probably thinking that I have completely forgotten about her. No worries, you'll get to see her soon enough.  
But seriously, what's a Snow White and the Seven Dwarves production without the King, the Queen, the Witch (Hey maybe I should have Renge take this role instead? I mean, her 'ho ho ho's **are** quite suitable for a witch...?!), and most important of all, the Prince?! I've already used up (?) all the hosts as the six dwarves, so how am I supposed to find someone to be the Prince now?! Oh, I'll think of something...Somehow...  
That's all I have time to say for today, minna, now please please **please** review, because if you don't, then there shall be no such thing as a 'next chapter'. Mwa ha ha ha ha...


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